Spoilt Paper 7 - vote count sketchbook

On Thursday night, 7 May, the Lonsdale Constituency vote count was held  at Kendal Leisure Centre. 

Tom Murphy from The Westmorland Gazette was live blogging and I had blagged my way in to chip in with comments and live cartoons. Follow the link for photos from the event. 

Here are my sketches, a mix of mix of media, election agents, the odd parliamentary candidate and anxious LibDems. 

Spoilt Paper 6 - Last orders

It’s the last few hours of the election campaign and it’s getting nasty. This is the media’s fault. Politicians generally have their own interests at heart but it would be nice if the national newspapers didn’t pander to them.

The regional press is more circumspect. Not necessarily a bastion of impartiality (except for this blog, obviously) but local newspapers are closer to their readers and less keen to alienate a bunch of them. 

The local campaign perked up today (Wednesday) with the arrival of Nick Clegg. Rather oddly, he’s visiting one of the LibDem safe seats. Perhaps it’s because he needed a shoulder to cry on. Or maybe he was preparing Big Tim to take on the baton. Anyway, Nick visited some loaves but was careful not to point at fish as that’s Cameron’s holiday job.

Speaking of whom, no sign of “pumped up” Big Dave in the immediate area, although he did make Heysham. Perhaps it’s too windy in the Lakes and he’s afraid he’ll blow away with all that hot air inside him.

According to today’s super sordid Sun, Ed is too busy scoffing bacon sandwiches to visit here.

I’m guessing that Natalie Bennett is rightly too concerned about carbon emissions to travel this far north. I’m relieved someone in this wretched campaign is thinking about the environment.

But no Nigel Farage! What a disappointment when we have so many fine hostelries. Obviously he’d have difficulty being angry about the local immigrant population when most of them are from the south of England. 

I’ll be tweeting comments and drawings live from the Westmorland & Lonsdale election count in the early hours of Friday morning. Follow the #wgelection search tag. There is also a live blog on the Westmorland Gazette site.

Spoilt Paper 5 - A little bird told me

This is the social media General Election. So everyone says. Well, everyone on social media.

Last week Twitter was agog as party leader fan groups appeared. It began with the #Millifans, then some 13-year old swot started the #Cameronettes in retaliation. I never did hear if we got #Cleggers and #Faragoyles but it was all quite entertaining. A bit like the 1970s rivalry between the Bay City Roller and Osmond fans. (That's Donny not George.)

Away from the rarified depths of national politics, how are our local candidates doing on Twitter? 

The LimDem’s Big Tim is a regular Tweeter. He’s been on since 2009 and currently has 25,443 followers. He often pops up to interact or tell people what he’s up to. 

The Conservative’s Doctor Doctor (joined in 2014, 350 followers) is a bit sporadic. Her account name ends ‘2015'. A date in your Twitter handle is usually when you were born or an indication that the account is going to be thrown away at the end of the year. Guess which?

In 2010, the Tory candidate, Gareth McGareth, had two Twitter accounts. The first one was opened shortly after he was selected. It got 9 followers, then plunged into silence before a new one was opened. Who lost their password then? He hasn’t tweeted for 1,826 days so we can assume he finds his @votegareth handle less useful now.

The Labour (2011 and 193 followers) and Green (2014, 190) local candidates are moderately active, averaging a tweet a day. Green Chris has upped his rate recently, probably because it’s more ecological than showering locals with unwanted leaflets.

The local UKIPers don’t seem to have any Twitter account. Come on chaps, get a move on evolving those opposable thumbs.

Finally, 2015’s bookies’ favourite, The Apathy Party, has had a Twitter account since 2012 but only got 53 followers. 

Don’t go following them; you’ll only frighten them into thinking they have to do some work.

Spoilt Paper 4 - The Sock-o-Meter

The election is hotting up. All the parties have published their manifestos. The deadline for voter registrations has passed, leaving large numbers  of young people wondering why they get hit with tuition fees while more politically-active, older voters get all sorts of post-election benefits (do the math, chaps).  

And the leafleting campaign has gone up a gear with a further ONE leaflet flooding through my letterbox. This time it’s from the cheery Labour candidate. Appearing in a Kremlin-style hat might not be politically astute but he’s trying hard, despite knowing he hasn’t a chance.

So it’s time to dig out the blog Swing-o-meter for in-depth political analysis in graphical form.

In previous years we’ve had the Tim-o-meter (2005, when all the candidates were called Tim) and then the Grin-o-Meter (2010 when global warming took a dip due to sunlight reflected from the candidates’ teeth).

This time we’re honouring Big Tim’s repeated claim to work his socks off for the area. We present … the Sock-o-Meter™. Or Footsie Index, if you prefer. 

It’s more of a shoe-o-meter really but that name is less likely to get gratuitous hits from dyslexic porn enthusiasts.

As you can see, LibDem’s Big Tim is still in the lead. The Conservative’s Doctor Doctor is doing well. Greens and Labour holding up. UKIP practically off the chart as well as beyond the pale. There’s everything to play for (unless you’re Labour, Green or UKIP, obviously).

We’ll be returning to the Sock-o-Meter throughout the campaign, adding extra refinements as necessary (assuming I can find the allen key).

On Friday we’ll look at some of the candidates’ claims in more detail. Join me then for the next exciting episode.

Spoilt Paper 3 - A Time of the Signs

After the excitement of last week’s Westmorland and Lonsdale parliamentary hustings, it’s time for rigorous, in-depth analysis of how the candidates are doing.

As usual, unimpeachable methodology has been used to arrive at statistically-valid results, i.e. I drove round in my car for a bit and counted posters.

Here are the findings:

LibDem - 20

Conservative - 16

Labour - 1

UKIP - 0

Green Party - 2 (both seen in Booths car park, Windermere, so it’s possible I misread the recycling notice)

I almost missed three Tory posters as they were hiding in hedgerows and looked like estate agent signs. (And heaven knows we wouldn’t want to elect an estate agent; they tell porkies.) The three signs read “Conservatives: Securing Britain’s Future” and ironically enough they weren’t secured very well and were falling out the hedge.

The Tories are big in fields. The Doctor Doctor candidate’s smile is currently frightening livestock all over South Lakeland. LibDem signs are more often in front gardens, usually on the fence.

As far as I can tell, there are no UKIP signs anywhere - you just can’t get a decent Polish sign writer when you need one.

On Wednesday (or possibly Tuesday if I get enthusiastic) I’ll be introducing the updated 2015 blog swing-o-meter, the envy of broadcasters everywhere. I just have to figure out how to fit the batteries.

Spoilt Paper - election blog 1

When David Cameron became PM in 2010, it became law that the election would be held every five years on May 7^th. No more tedious speculation from the pundits before the date was announced. What we got instead were four months of campaigning that has plunged most of us into a coma. By May 7^th it’ll be surprising if voter turnout hits double figures.

Closer to home, things have been more restrained. 

A month ago, the Libdems sent me a jolly newsletter alerting me to the fact that my MP had done a Number of Good Things. Since then they’ve sent two more, plus a polite personal letter (not as polite as the ones my Nigerian bank manager sends). 

To date, the Conservatives have managed to squeeze out one leaflet. The others have produced nothing. Presumably the dog ate them. Or perhaps the messy pile of leaves in my front porch is a subtle message from the Greens.

I’m not entirely sure who all the candidates are. I know the Tory is a smiley woman, which was a surprise; I’m not certain many local Tories know that women were allowed to vote. She seems to be a doctor because she has her photograph taken in front of Westmorland General rather a lot. Come to think of it, the LibDem's Big Tim is there so much he’s probably a qualified surgeon by now.

I do know that the original UKIP chap resigned - but then UKIP gets through candidates so fast it’ll soon have to start importing them.

It’s time I found out more. Who are they all? Do they have any policies? Do any of them have an original thought in their head? 

Tonight at 7.15 I will confront them all personally at Kendal College. Not on my own (the blog isn’t that influential) but as part of an audience at the Westmorland Gazette debate. I’ll tweet my impressions (@colinshelbourn) and you can follow along via the #WGdebate hashtag.

In tomorrow’s blog, we’ll look at how the candidates performed.

Dull is the New Nude

Enough of W.I. Women throwing off their kit and appearing in charity calendars. The new nude is dull.

The Dull Men's Club has launched it's 2015 calendar and Cumbrian Archie Workman is Mr March. Clearly this is something of which to be proud. The Dull Men's Club is world-renowned for its deep interest in topics such as roundabouts, park benches and luggage carousels. Their website is well-worth a visit. Indeed, a correspondent who shall remain nameless (Steve Barber) emailed me to say that, worryingly, he found it quite interesting.

The announcement gave me the ideal topic for this week's Westmorland Gazette editorial cartoon. Below are five ideas I submitted to my steamed editor. Which would you have chosen? 

Don't be dull - make your vote in the comments section below. Then rush excitedly to my website and see if your choice matched the editor's.

Health Scare

Your health is important. My health is important. I’d argue that my health is more important than your health but I think we’ve established the principle that, generally speaking, health is pretty important.

That’s probably why it appears in the news so often. And because politicians, administrators, managers and other unimaginative fiddlers keep interfering with it.

Morecambe Bay Primary Care University Hospitals Trust (re-arrange those words into whichever order they’re using them this month) has announced that it has a £30m shortfall in its budget. So it has announced economy measures. These include booting patients out at night, employing boy scouts as anesthetists and switching off computers at bedtime (only one of those is invented).

I have a long history of drawing cartoons about the Health Trust for The Westmorland Gazette. I’ve done most of the obvious ones - “it’s condition is critical” - so don’t react with total glee when the Trust features as the front page story. 

But there are always more jokes to be mined and here are seven of them.

You - yes, you, ill or not - can say which you think should have gone on the front page by adding a comment below.

Then take up your crutches and hobble over to my website to see if the Gazette’s editor agreed with you.

Click any image for the full Imax experience

Brief encounters (but not with briefs)

Microbreweries are becoming a major industry in Cumbria. Now even Carnforth Railway Station has one. Brief encounters are about to get a whole lot longer.

Elsewhere … students get a break from complaining about exam grades to visit the cinema, ostensibly for film studies … another bunch of women get their kit off to emulate Calendar Girls … and Cumbria appoints Snow Champions to spread grit and good cheer on a voluntary basis when the winter arrives.

So, there were the stories vying for this week's Westmorland Gazette front page cartoon. My initial, scribbly ideas are below. Don your editorial cap, fire up the comments box and tell me which you would have chosen.

And then toddle over to my website to see if my editor agreed with you.

(Click on any of the cartoons for the IMAX version.)

What does it spell?

Submitting a weekly newspaper cartoon is a bit of a hit-and-miss endeavour. 

Some weeks a story leaps out at you and suggests all sorts of possibilities (not all of them usable, as last week proved). 

Other weeks, there are various stories which kind of raise your interest but don't set the pen on fire.

This week's Gazette cartoon was a mixture of both. The first two stories (Wainwright walkers castigated by mountain rescue and a charity shop for Kirkby Lonsdale) didn't quite do it. The third was more promising.

South Lakeland now have parking machines which require you to enter your car registration number. This prevents naughty motorists from handing their ticket onto someone else. This is, after all, Cameron's Big Society in which philanthropy has no part.

Unfortunately some folk have been having difficulty with the system. The keypads are hard to use - press a wrong button and you've launched a Cruise missile.

I had a couple of ideas for this story. Which would you pick to go in the newspaper?

Comment below and then saunter across to my website to see if you were right.

(Click on any of the cartoons for a larger image.)

Fertility symbols

August is the month for irrational beliefs.

Last week, we discovered that Manchester United red will deter seagulls from landing on your roof.

This week, we find a set of wooden, carved fertility symbols arranged in a circle in a well-known Lakeland holiday park. Known as ‘fertility henge’, they’ve become the subject of some excited gossip on Twitter.

The Park owners are quick to deny it is anything of the sort, claiming that they’re purely artistic erections and seeing them as anything else is down to the fertile imaginations of visitors.

A fine subject for this week’s Westmorland Gazette cartoon but one which presented a few problems for my steamed editor. Three problems, to be precise - the sketches he deemed unstuitable for a family newspaper.

Here are the five ideas I submitted. (If you're feeling a little under-endowed in the eyesight department, click on each cartoon to make it bigger.)

Can you spot which ones made him go white? And which would you have chosen to grace the front page?

Please add your comments in the box below and then you can see the final choice on my website.

Gull Power

There is nothing quite like analysing a problem and applying scientific thinking to its resolution.

Alternatively, you can dredge up a vague anecdote and see if that works.

The latter approach is being tried to prevent Ulverston Business Centre being mobbed by herring gulls. Business tenants are having problems being heard on the phone. All that squawking and squealing is being drowned out by the sound of the seagulls.

Fortunately, the manager of the Business Centre had read something about gulls being deterred by a Manchester United birthday cake. So paint the roof red. On the other hand, someone else had a friend whose uncle once worked in Qatar and swore blind that they painted roofs white to keep birds away.

A spokesperson for the RSPCA is on record as being a tad ‘sceptical’ but they decided to try both ideas anyway.

This was the subject of my cartoon for today’s soaraway Westmorland Gazette. Below you can see the ideas I pitched to my steamed editor.

Which did he choose?

For the answer, wing it to my website.

Water world

The sun is shining, Team GB is winning millions of medals in the Olympics, Curiosity has landed safely on Mars, it’s 5pm on a Wednesday, the cartoon artwork has gone off down the interweb to The Westmorland Gazette, all is right with the world …

It was a varied but jolly bunch of stories in this week’s cartoon in-tray. A storm-chaser spotted a tornado over Morecambe Bay, a company has started running an open-air cinema in Lakeland and Kendal’s famous bells have been deemed too loud and keep people awake at night.

Here is my take on the various stories. As usual, I presented my steamed editor with a variety of scribbly ideas. But which did he choose? Will you pick the same one?

Visit my website to see if you did. There is a massive prize for the winner*.

* There isn’t.

Feeling blue

This week at the cutting edge of the cartoon news front, a bewildering array of stories presented themselves.

Firstly, the Kendal Torchlight Procession, a much-loved tradition which has taken place for thousands of years, has been cancelled for 2012. No one know why. Even Woodward and Bernstein, the Gazette's farming correspondents, can't get to the bottom of it.

Secondly, there has been more rain. In fact, more rain than you can shake an umbrella at. So much that a local caravan park has offered a day's free holiday for anyone on holiday who suffers an above-average day of rain.

Finally, in the brave-new Camoron-ruled Britain, Cumbria Constabulary are forced to sell off one of their police stations. (It comes complete with matching pairs of handcuffs, for all you 50 Shades of Grey readers.) The local community were hoping to buy it for affordable housing. However the police decided to sell it at auction and got less than Ambleside community were offering.

Here are the sketches presented to my steamed editor. To find out which one graces the front page, you will have to visit my website.