The Poll of Poles

It’s 11pm on 6th May. Campaigning is over. Even David (“call me the Duracell Bunny”) Cameron has got to desist now. Gordon Brown can have a lie down and Nick Clegg can stop walking on water.

On TV, Jeremy Vine is crouching and scuttling about in front of computer graphics. Huw Welsh is looking serious, as well he might having been relegated to the typing pool. On ITV, a newsreader is standing in front of a cardboard set, pretending it’s Number 10.

According to the polls, the Tories may achieve a slim majority. But the polls are usually wrong. They exist to keep unemployed pollsters on the streets and to give excitable Today programme presenters something to talk about.

In South Lakes, the only poll that matters is the Grin-o-Meter. I was away for the bank holiday and conducted the usual rigorous research upon my return.

Between the M6 and Windermere there are:

70 signs for Tim Thingie (LibDem)

37 signs for Gareth McGareth (Conservative, staring manfully into the distance party)

18 signs for Parking

2 for Matthews Benjamin (sell your house party)

1 defaced sign for UKIP (not by me)

0 signs for Labour

A quick glance at the Grin-o-Meter, which today depicts the results in the form of an oil slick, reveals a number of startling facts.

Labour and Jonathan Whatsit have disappeared altogether. Never mind, Jonathan, it’s all good experience for the safe Labour seat you’ll be offered next time. 

UKIP are barely visible, little more than a gush of steam on the horizon as they are wheeled back to the day care centre. 

The new Parking Party has come from nowhere, with their jaunty slogan - “Gone for Change”. 

Matthews Benjamin aren’t doing too well but then estate agents don’t come out from under rocks that often.

But, taken overall, it means that even if Gareth forms a coalition with the Parking Party, Mathews Benjamin and UKIP, Tim still has an overall majority.

Remember, the Grin-o-Meter never lies.